8 years....

8 years ago at precisely this time it felt like everything I knew was falling apart. 

All day it has been on my mind. Like muscle memory. Didn't know what but knew something. I stayed busy today. As I have for the past 8 years, maybe longer. It's hard sometimes to sit with all our emotions. It's been 8 years since my dad had his stroke. 8 years since doctors said he would never walk again. 8 years since doctors said he would never talk again. 8 years since doctors said the best case scenario was that he learn to transfer from a bed to a wheel chair and back. 

I reflect back on that night. Not knowing if dad would pull through. Not knowing if they could get the swelling on his brain to go down. Now knowing if he would wake up. The unknown has always been terrifying to me. 

8 years since doctors said they have no explanation for his progress aside from saying its a miracle. Funny how sometimes what one person views as a miracle can be a complete detriment to another. I imagine my dad got sick of hearing how he was such a miracle because the miracle to us stripped him of his livelihood. This miracle took away everything he knew and quite literally has stopped him in his tracks. And yet I see how it has impacted so many others, one being my son. To see his love for everything neuroscience and neurology emerging is incredible. He asked a lot of questions of doctors and nurses the days following my dad's stroke. He has always been inquisitive.

Sometimes people ask if there is anything you could change would you? I always had that cliché answer that I wouldn't because I wouldn't be where I was if it weren't for everything I had been through. But the truth of the matter is if I could turn back time I'd want the stroke to not be part of my dad's story, part of my families story. No part of it seems fair. My feeble mind could never begin to comprehend God's plan or purpose in this stroke. Some days I feel like I've been cheated out of time with my dad. 

Don't miss interpret what I'm saying. I do see many good things that have come from this. My dad is alive today. Ambiguous loss is real and difficult to navigate, but he is still physically present. Seeing my dad relearn everything in therapy the weeks following his stroke made me realize all the little things we take for granted....everything from brushing our teeth to getting dressed to using the bathroom. The ability to walk, to express what is on our mind, to go to the store, to cut the yard, to open an envelope....to identify letters and the words they form. I watched my dad fight to gain back so many skills and abilities that I probably still take for granted. 

Every 30 seconds someone in the United States has a stroke. Every 3 minutes and 14 seconds someone dies of a stroke. I thank God my dad was not part of the later statistic. It isn't lost on me where he was or how far he has come or the blessings and favor we have felt thus far. 

8 years....sometimes it feels like its been a lifetime...

not again...

Today started like any other day.  

It ended a bit different....but not really

Its a familiar different...

but one that you never really want much knowledge of.

12:25 this afternoon I picked my sister up to go car shopping.  She is in the market for her first new car, and I have been known to get some good car deals...so good that the guy who sold me my car 3 years ago, remembered me! Not sure that was a good thing for my sister....

12:27 this afternoon her phone rang - her husband at the other end - we had just left him at the house... 'dads having a seizure'......we turned the car around and went back home.  I thought to myself, I guess its good that I was late to pick her up, so that we were not far away.  He tried the magnet for my dads VNS and it didn't stop it.....his entire body continued to shake....he was looking up and to the right...called rescue...waited....seemed like he quit shaking a little so we started singing, 'you are my sunshine'....he started singing in between seizures...getting him out the door proved challenging and the paramedics probably didn't like me telling them how to do their job - I'm just a worried daughter and hopefully they didn't take it personally. Thank God for emergency rescue personnel, EMT's and paramedics. 

Then came the hurdle of getting him stable enough to be transported to Mayo...that isn't the closest hospital to our house but it is the one who has seen him and treated him since November of 2015 when he had his stroke. Felt like time stood still while we waited to hear where they would take him.  Most of the time I find myself wishing time would slow down...but in that moment I just wanted them to get on their way and get him to the hospital. He was cleared for transport to Mayo.  Thank God for enough stabilizing that he could be transported to Mayo Hospital.

We left and as we approached the end of the street we saw the ambulance come up behind us.  I have always been one to yield to emergency services, thinking I would want somebody to do that if my loved one was being transported....and then before our very eyes as we sat at the intersection we watched the ambulance make it through safely while everybody stopped.  It sucks knowing that somebody you love is in that ambulance.  I cringe every time I hear a siren.  If an ambulance has been anywhere near our street I have to check the number.  72 is the one that always comes for dad.  Thank God for drivers who pull over when an ambulance is approaching.

We made it to the hospital before the ambulance did.  Noticed Mayo Emergency Room is undergoing some construction.  That is new since dads last seizure episode. I wonder what they are doing, are they expanding?  If only the walls of this place could talk...I think of the stories held within these rooms....how we have known quite a few of the rooms in the ER department and most of the rooms on the 5th floor. Seemed to take a while for anybody to go back and see him...minutes felt like hours as we eagerly waited to see him....because that is how we humans are wired - we need to see ....Thank God for the Mayo ER staff who took care of my dad.

At the end of the day...mom and dad are spending the night at a non profit academic medical center focused on integrated clinical practice, education and research.....in other words, Mayo Clinic.  We all stand a bit shaken but no worse for our wear. We are still standing.  In some ways I suppose trials make us stronger, odd thing is how weak they leave us feeling in the moment. But then I wonder is it weakness we feel or a sense of powerlessness?  To see somebody you love in a state that you can do nothing about?  Yeah, maybe thats it - maybe its not weakness we feel but a humble reminder of the fact that we are not in control, some things we must endure are beyond our ability to fix or change...  We have hope for this trial, that all will end well... because we have endured similar tests in the past.  So I guess that is something to be grateful for. I find myself feeling a great deal of anger and asking why, though I know my feeble mind is not capable of comprehending the 'whys' to what we have to endure this side of eternity.  Funny how even though I know my mind can't comprehend the why, I still want to know why...as if knowing why would make anything better?  I know God is a big God and He can handle my anger, I just have a hard time comprehending how this can be used for good. I'm grateful my dad is still here and that God isn't finished with him, I just don't understand why good people must endure such difficult paths in life. It's hard to trust God through all this, but I know we must. I know His plan is a good plan (even when it doesn't feel good) , that He can see the bigger picture (when all we can see is whats happening right now), that this pain has purpose in each of our lives... but when these difficult days strike it sure is hard to keep all that in mind.... To my family - a song of encouragement - Trust In You....

"Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:9

̶3̶3̶ years...

....or is it 34 years? 

(inside joke!)

On this day 33 years ago my mom and dad got married. 

December 8, 1984

They have had their share of ups and downs. 

Endured hardships.

and times of plenty.

Silent treatments.

Date nights.

Four children.

Seven dogs.

A hamster.

A miraculous goldfish.

Bearded Dragon.

Two additions to the house.

Dad takes hammer to kitchen cabinets.

Completely remodeled kitchen is the result.

Playing in the backyard.

Working hard.

Putting us kids first.

30 some odd cars that dad has had

Family vacations.

Ocean City.

Maryland.

New York.

Wisconsin.

South Carolina.

Look out mountain.

Rolling down hills in Wisconsin.

The carnival where I won a fish.

(And it died before we made it home)

Family dinner.

Pops bypass surgery.

loss of loved ones

cancer

depression

anxiety

afib

stroke

seizures

graduations

new life 

grandchildren

Neighbors

mechanic

yard man

bank teller

bus driver

teacher

father

mother

brother

sister

son

daughter

long days

even longer nights

playing dress up and coloring

watching tball games 

cheering at softball games

dr. hahn

pain 

heartache

joy

peace

healing

home videos

times gone by

times to come

loving in the moment.

no promise of tomorrow

a love that has stood the test of time

one that has been magnified these past 2 years

I've heard my parents argue and I've seen them come back together and move forward. I've seen them get creative to make ends meet. I've felt how much they care for us kids. I know they love each other. I just never knew exactly how much until I watched them endure something tragic. I've watched my mom and dad stand beside each other through a number of trials.  

 I took dad out this afternoon to pick out a card and a single rose.  See when he was cutting yards for his elderly friends he would tell them about his anniversary and they would tell him to go cut a rose out of their garden.  Dad seemed to be about the simple, thoughtful things....at least that is what I remember. He had to settle with going and buying a single rose. I think my mom was surprised.

I'm glad that my mom and dad got married and that they have stuck together no matter what hurdles have come their way.  an everlasting love.  

(on a side note---look at the symmetry in dads smile! this picture was taken today, the one below was from December 20, 2015 almost two years ago...In the picture above, from today, he is walking....the one below he was still in a wheelchair...our God is an awesome God!)

Voice

Voice is defined as the sound produced in a person's larynx and uttered through the mouth as speech or sound. The definition of voice has such a technical feel to it but when you think about what somebodies voice can mean to you....well, it feels that these words are not adequate to express the way some sounds produced in a person's larynx and uttered through their mouth can reach some inner part of your soul.  We can all think of a time when somebody said something and it really meant a lot and stuck with us.  Just this weekend I was recalling happy family memories, times over summer when we would go to the beach after dinner and play until the sun went down and then go to Dairy Queen for an ice cream on the way home. Or when we would go to St. Augustine and walk down St. George Street and get a sweet treat. I was thinking about my dad singing Philadelphia Freedom to me on the way to school just about every morning.  I was thinking about times he would tell me that he was so proud of me and I rolled my eyes and said 'yeah, yeah, yeah'....Some times I think I would give up anything to just go back in time. I know that the stroke my dad is living through, and how it has changed all of us has been for the better in most regards, even if it took a lot of pain and tears to get to where we are today, even if it dumped us upside down and tossed us about and made us more clearly define and appreciate one another...and see who would weather the storms with us - people I thought would always be there, well I guess when our ship hit turbulent seas they took the life boat and left us to weather the storm on our own.... there are days....when I just don't understand why.....there are days that I miss my dad.  I am grateful he is still here, don't get me wrong....anyways....I was going through and cleaning out my computer, getting rid of old songs I don't listen to anymore and burning pictures to DVD when I came across a few old sound clips from my dad. The odd thing about the timing is that my husband just cracked his phone screen and my sister has a phone she isn't using that he could use, she was upset by a glitch in the Verizon network that cost her one of the last voicemail from my dad before his stroke....so while this might not have been personalized for you Becca, in the name of lost voicemail I hope this sound clip brings a smile to your heart through the tears that are bound to leave your eyes while listening. There are a few more sound clips, but since YouTube won't let me just upload music, I need to find more pictures.

p.s It 's hard to believe that doctors said my dad would never speak again.  While these are old sound clips, he is certainly speaking today....and still singing!

10...

June 16, 2007 at 7:01 p.m Seth Alan entered the world. 

I had no clue how my life would change, how he would make me a better person.  Growing up there were some things I said I would never do....I said I would never get married.  I said I would never leave home.  I said I would never have children.  Somewhere along the journey I realized I better be careful what I say I will never do because everything I said I would never do I have done....

Today my boy turned 10.  I am not sure how time has passed so quickly.  I remember him always holding my ear to go to sleep when he was little.  I remember having to walk down the aisle of microwaves every time we went into a store.  He knew them all by name.  I remember him watching youtube videos about what to put in a microwave.  I remember him carrying a play microwave around everywhere.  I remember him saying my contractions for Ivan looked like sandcastles on the monitor. I remember him being fascinated with Curious George and able to recite every episode from memory. I remember when he started school. I remember when he lost his first tooth. I remember when he faced his fears, when we overcame his fears. He absorbs so much and is able to recall facts that I have long since forgotten. He is very literal. He is a rule follower. He is confident and proud.  He excels in school.  

He is a pretty awesome kid.

You only turn 10 once and I wanted this day to be special for him. I was thinking about trying to do 10 special things and if somehow they could incorporate the number 10 then that was an added bonus. This is what we came up with --

- He woke up to a decorated living room and singing Happy Birthday to him.

- I made him a shirt that had 10 on the front and #DoubleDigits on the back

- We went to his favorite park 

-We went to the Donut Shoppe and put candles on a donut!

- We went to the candy shop and picked out 10+ pieces of candy.

- We gave him a small gift at 10 a.m

- He wanted a 10 piece chicken nugget meal from Mc Donalds for lunch. 

- We went bowling after lunch - 10 pins...he got a few spares!

- We went to Adventure Landing when Dennis got off and got 100+ tokens (10x10)

- We had pizza and a family movie night.

- I made him a 10 layer cheesecake for dessert.

-Before bed we gave him a list of 10 things we like about him.  Ivan, Dennis and I all worked on it together and Seth read it aloud before he went to bed. 

I want him to know that we love him.  I want him to know that he is special.  I want him to know that he is one of a kind.  I want him to know that there is nobody else like him in the world. 

A few pictures from our day---

Seth turns 10 slideshow....

My Sweet Friend....

 I have been sitting here starring at a blank template, unsure of what to say but yet filled with so many thoughts. I watch the text cursor blink, waiting for some input to make it solid, to fill the space, to add meaning to the emptiness that it lives within.  Then my mind drifts into thoughts about how our life could be viewed the same way.  This world is so empty compared to what is waiting for us, and we search for some meaning, a purpose - something that makes us feel solid and complete. Some people find what makes them solid, and in so doing they start filling the pages of their lives with words, pictures, experiences, stories, memories....things that will keep them feeling full and satisfied, despite living in an empty world where pain and heartache threaten to drain our spirit. In living their life story they are not only filling the pages of their life story but also adding a few chapters to somebody else's story. I have found this happens, sometimes when we are completely unaware of it. I don't think we will always know the chapters we write in somebody else's life.  Sometimes we write them when we are declining in health or facing some hardship that seems insurmountable. 

I have been helping out at a memory care facility and yesterday I received word that one of the ladies that I would walk with and work with one-on-one, had departed this earth. When she would come in on days that I was there, we would walk around the facility and 'shop'...she would comment on the nice door decorations of the residents who live there...they have different little rooms in this place and we would walk around and shop in these different areas. We weren't really shopping but that is what seemed to bring some joy to Mrs. Dorothy, so that is what we did.  We would collect odd pillows or pictures or magazines and purchase them 'on credit' and take them back to the house. Mind you, we never left the facility.  Part of working with people who have some kind of memory impairment is joining them where they are, while also having no knowledge of where that may be. I think a big part of it is making a connection. Some days we would walk outside, only to Mrs. Dorothy we were walking on the farm and helping with the animals.  Or working in the fields and harvesting crops.  Some days we were at the hospital and she was taking care of people and talking about how much she enjoyed helping others. As she was losing her memories I felt like I was saving them for her. She enjoyed visits from Sadie!

One day we were walking outside and she was talking about potato farming and she stopped and looked at me and told me that I was a good person.  I told her thank you and asked her how she knew that and she told me because I care and I am a good friend and I have a good heart.  I asked her how she could know those things about me and she simply responded, 'Because he told me so.'  I asked who 'he' was and she was back to talking about all the things she could make using potatoes.  For those few moments though, she was there, and what she was telling me was what I needed to hear.  I felt like God himself was talking to me through these interactions that I would have with amazing people at this memory care facility.  When we walked she would always feel the need to hold on to me and would repeat over and over, please don't leave me. I am not one that really likes to be touched, but for Mrs. Dorothy, I had to get over what I didn't like because it was what she needed.

Mrs. Dorothy certainly blessed my life, even as hers was slipping away. She has written a few chapters in my life's story, while sharing her life's story with me.  She pioneered the way for me into memory care and what that really looks like. I know the only thing certain in life is death, but I also don't think it is something we were ever meant to have to deal with. I am grateful for the time that I had with her, even though I feel like it was way too short. I will always remember her - somehow in the midst of my struggles she reminded me that I am a good person, that I have a good heart, and that the way I care for others is a good thing.  When I think about her I can't help but think about those positive affirmations that she left me with.  I hear her voice clear as day saying it to me now. I am grateful for the pictures I have to reflect back on but the true beauty lies in the way she touched my soul. I know she is at peace. I should find peace in that knowledge but being somebody who feels things so deeply, this is very sad for me.

The write up in the paper 

She wrote her own obituary - it was published on my birthday. 

This time last week....

I was playing a game on the computer.  My cell phone started ringing.  I thought it was my brother to discuss plans to help my grandfather over the coming days. I didn't answer the phone, I was in a competitive game. The phone rang again, they never left a message, must not be important...when the phone rang for the third time I answered...."Rachel, Dad is having seizures again, paramedics are trying to get him loaded up now."  I opened my front door - this is what I saw.  Every time I hear sirens come down our street, I panic, I rush to the front of the house and in my head I repeat, 'just keep going, just keep going.' A few times, they have stopped at my parents house and when they do, followed by the 'just keep going' is 'oh no they stopped.' Sometimes I don't even make it to the door when I see the reflection of the lights through my front door.  This time they did not have sirens on, but the panic was still the same.  This will never become any easier to see. 

Like every other time, I sprinted down to the house. I must say if I could channel that into some race, I am sure I would win. This time when I left the house I didn't have shoes on, my feet ended up bruised and scraped but the pain didn't phase me. Got down to the house to see the paramedics struggling to get dad on the stretcher.  He was still having seizures. That also will never become any easier to see 

 He was telling us that he wanted to die in between massively seizing. He was taken to Mayo, and I think about an hour after the seizures originally started, and with medication from the ER, he was not having seizures but was also not very alert. It would come and go. Seizures leave him completely drained and weak.  There are still certain little neuro tests they do to just keep tabs on him.  Concerned over his lack of response, the following morning he was sent for a CT Scan.  No new brain damage...always a relief.  Who would have thought that, 'no new brain damage,' would be a "relief." He had some seizures throughout the night while he was being monitored at Mayo. Mom didn't leave his side. 

As we got more results and news from the doctors about how to once again tweak his medications, mom decided to go to work the following day.  I told her I would go up and sit with him. It felt like old times.  An odd, but familiar; uncomfortable but comfortable setting.  I ordered him his typical Mayo Breakfast and a few smoothies, is it sad that I pretty much know the menu? Doctors made their rounds and with the new medication on board, Dad was improving.  I left him rest in the morning but when I saw the doctors down the hall I told him he had to be alert and answer their questions if he wanted to get home. When they came in he was awake and answered their questions and they said they felt he could go home, just have somebody with him for support and what not while he builds strength back up.  This is the picture right after the doctors had left the room, he just kept saying, "I'm going home" and had a big smile on his face. He asked me to text this picture to my mom. He was impressed with how symmetrical his smile was!

So at precisely this time last week we were just hoping the seizures would stop.  We were taking turns going back to see him in the ER as you are only allowed 2 visitors at a time.  We may have bent that rule a few times. We were keeping each other company in the waiting room while others of us went back to check on him. Just being there for each other during a time when we were uncertain about how things would turn out. It seems dad goes through the ringer with these seizures, just about every other month. I don't know how he finds the strength to keep going.  Oh wait, I know...mom is standing beside him every step of the way and refusing to let him give up!  I love their love for one another. 

I hate everything he has been through. It doesn't seem fair. It scares me and makes me angry at times but yet it also serves as a sobering reminder of the fact that this fallen world is not our home. There are days that his physical body has left him feeling so discouraged and let down.  I remind him that he is still the same on the inside. 

Don't hesitate to reach out to somebody. 

You just might be the encouragement they need to keep going.

not again....

"Not again..." that is all I could think as I felt my heart sink to the pit of my stomach when my mom called me last night to tell me that my dad had another stroke.  All I had to compare it to was what his first stroke was like - a terrifying and miraculous journey that strengthened our family as it tore apart everything we knew and loved about a man who we thought was indestructible....a man who always took on the world, and now this world threatened to take him.  

Everything changed that day.  Everything continues to change. It truly is the only constant. Some days I find myself wishing there was some way to go back to the 3 months prior to the stroke, when he was happy, when he would call me to tell me he was proud of me, when he would open the door and say welcome to the jungle to my boys.  I am grateful that he is still here but there are days that I miss him terribly.  

I never thought I would be thanking God for a small stroke.  Today I was doing just that. I didn't know what to expect when I went to see him today.  I was happy to see him stand and move his legs and talk. They have been running tests all day to figure out the fine details and we really don't know much more at this point, other than it was another stroke. He had all the nurses laughing.  The therapists who were working on the floor today, many of them came by and what they said all sounded the same, "when we saw your name we had to stop by and see you."  They complimented him on his progress and how well his speech has come along. It's not really a place you want familiarity but yet that familiarity is strangely comforting. Here we are trying to figure out this stroke and get our feet under us and here they are in awe of how far he has come along, even including the weakness this stroke has brought on. Talk about perspective?!?! 

Two weeks ago he was in the hospital with seizures. Anytime I see an ambulance go by I panic, run to the front window and when I see them slow down at my parents house I say, 'no, no, no, just keep going'....Even though the ambulance has been to my parents house a number of times, it never gets easier to see....now my panic has spread and when we are out and about if I see an ambulance leaving our street I call mom to make sure its not for dad.  The odd thing is I did just that Sunday morning and Sunday evening they had to take him to the ER.  Thankful that he alerted them of the need to be checked out.  Thankful it wasn't four hours later when he would have been in bed asleep. Thankful for medications that can break the clot and give him a much faster turn around. 

Tomorrow is Valentines Day.  It is not a day that I like.  Love is about so much more than flowers and stuffed animals and chocolates.  I guess that stuff is nice but to me it looks like superficial love. A way for people to show the world how much they love you when love is such an intimate private thing, something that should be conveyed more than once a year in kind deeds, soft words, showing up, helping with laundry, spending time with one another. True love, that is what I see when I watch my mom sit beside my dad and hold his hand as he wakes up the day after his second stroke. True love is what I hear when my mom says, "His right side was not moving at all last night and my heart was breaking all over again, I felt like we were starting over."  True love is what  I see when I watch my mom push on every day when life is so different now.  True love is what I see when I watch her look at my dad and still see his beautiful soul and amazing spirit, unchanged by what the world has done to his physical body.  True love is what I see when I watch my dad look at my mom, and even with the inability to find the words.... he speaks volumes about his love for her when you see the peace in his eyes as he looks to her for comfort. In sickness and in health....when its not always fun or comfortable or easy....they live a great example of what it looks like to love one another against and in spite of all odds. I have so much respect for people who lead by example.  Words can be empty shells of promises and good ideas, but seeing it in real life, before my very eyes -- brings with it lessons that will be ingrained in me forever. Love unconditionally. Love what you can't see. Respect one another. Never give up. No matter what, you stand beside the one you love. 

I will be incredibly honest here and say that no part of this feels very fair.  I know we are walking this path for a reason but it sure is exhausting at times.  Today I was able to be there for a stranger in a unique way, who knows if our paths would have crossed if it weren't for my dad having this stroke.  I guess I was where God needed me to be, even if it was not where I wanted to be. That is always a difficult pill to swallow.  

Something good will come from this.  

In the mean time -- for my family -- listen to this song....

Christmas at Arbor Terrace

I have been blessed with the opportunity to help at a memory care facility with a life enrichment group.  In some ways this 'job' has given me purpose.  I feel like they help me more than I help them.  I feel like the lessons that I have learned are priceless. I am learning how to just be and be completely where I am, at that moment. My counselor hopes that can spread out into my life as well. Some days are harder than others.  It is a very emotionally demanding job which is a bit ironic coming from somebody who faces so many internal struggles. The priceless moments where I feel like God is speaking through these people definitely outweigh the days that I leave and just cry on the way out to get the boys over what this disease is doing to these amazing people. It is fascinating to me what remains when this disease starts to take over.  The mental functions they lose, the memories that they can't recall....yet everybody in our group has that fear of abandonment. It's like separation anxiety with a baby all over again.  It does not seem fair to me that they lose their memories and mental functions but the fears remain. I don't know that it would be any better if they lost their fears too, just seems more fair that way.  But who am I to say what is or isn't fair?  I guess in one sense I am grateful for the disease because if it wasn't for Alzheimer's then I may not have ever had this opportunity or met these incredible people. We had a little Christmas party for them yesterday, they all had reindeer antlers and snacks and we sang Christmas Carols. They also had some children come in and do some caroling for them from a local church. They sure did light up when they saw the little people and let me tell you - what an incredible sight for me to soak in.  The old and the young.  One is just entering life, one is near exit. One is learning how to walk and talk and eat and smile while the other is forgetting these daily life tasks. The magnitude of that moment was like nothing that I can put into words. It was intense. It was profound.  It was moving.  It was sad. Yet they brought so much joy to each other, regardless of how brief that moment was. I have connected with the people in our group, over one thing or another.  The lady I work with has told me she is grateful for my hard work and dedication and willingness to connect with each person.  I have learned that you have to join people where they are. With being there weekly I have gotten to know some of the residents. I look forward to seeing them.  They each are unique and special in their own way.  Ms. Helen tells me that I have such a gentle nature, that it is nice that I help people....how could she know?!?! I wonder if there is any coincidence in that my grandma Helen told me that I would help a lot of people one day. They share the same name and tell me the same thing?  Or is it my grandma Helen, speaking through this Helen who is currently residing at Arbor Terrace? One lady, Ms. Betsy always tells me that she is happy to see me.  Maybe she tells everybody that but hey, some days its what I need to hear. I think to myself, 'somebody is actually happy to see me? Most days I avoid the mirror because I can't stand to see me!'  I asked her this week what was one thing she wanted for Christmas.  She looked at me and clear as day she said, "Why I would like peace and happiness.  I want my family to be healthy." Then just as easily and she said that, she then went back to mumbling, couldn't make out exactly what she was saying but I listened until she walked away. I thought about what she wanted - peace and happiness...  Freedom from disturbance, tranquility, and a feeling of contentment.  I suppose that is what we are all looking for, no matter the age, no matter the life struggles that we face. Never did I ever think that this is what I would be doing at this point in my life, but I can't imagine not doing it now. It's not easy, but nothing in life worth doing is ever easy. Connecting with people, no matter where they are in their life journey, is truly a blessing - don't take it for granted. The word of encouragement yesterday at Arbor Terrace - "Encouragement may be the greatest gift we give this Christmas."

Think about others...

I have two incredible little boys.  I live for these boys.  They are the air I breathe.  They give me the strength and energy to keep going when I am exhausted from physical and mental battles.  They also give me hope for the future, for humanity. Hope is a good thing. We have a nighttime/bedtime routine.  They get their showers, they get ready for bed, we always do a family hug - all four of us, then we read to them.  We have been working on reading the bible to them, so they hear a little at a time.  I then put the bible back on the dresser and turn off the light.  I always tell them I love them, I am proud of them and I hope they sleep good.  To which they reply, I love you, and you sleep good too. Tonight before turning off the light Ivan jumped out of bed and said, "I am so excited about the pizza party tomorrow and getting to wear our pajamas to school."  I said it sounded like fun, 'pizza party, pajamas, movie and friends.'  He then walked over to a shelf in his room and pulled out a Ziploc bag with coins in it.  I asked him what he was doing and told him he needed to get back in bed and he said he needed to take these to school tomorrow.  I asked him why and he said, 'well what if some kids couldn't bring in money for the pizza party? they will be sad if they don't get pizza, I want them to have pizza too.'  I love this boys heart. I told him that sometimes I will send in extra money just in case somebody else can't contribute, not always, but sometimes. I love that my sweet little boy, at six years old....thought about others going without and wanted to do something about that - all on his own.  He has grasped a concept that some adults I know still don't understand. 

Ghost

I stood behind you in line.

You looked me in the eyes.

You looked back at your cart.

You handed the cashier the money.

You told her Merry Christmas

You were pleasant and warm and nice

but was it real?

You confused me today.

You have talked in days past about the incredible person I am.

You have told me that I am a friend like no other.

You have told me we should get together.

For some reason my guard remained up.

I don't know why.

My intuition is something I constantly question.

Time went on.

It stops for no one and nothing.

My family experienced some tough medical situations.

Where were you?

Oh right, you were commenting on my facebook posts telling me to text you.

Sure thing.

It looks good – to others.

You feel you did your part – you reached out.

But do you really care?

I have yet to text you.

You have yet to text me.

But thats just life.

When you saw me today, you didn't even recognize me.

I got a glimpse into what life would be like if I wasn't here.

If I was dead, if I was gone.

That's how I feel.

People don't care.

That's life, that's reality.

It just stings coming from somebody who spoke such powerful words.

Leaves me questioning my discernment of people.

Leaves me questioning my life.

Leaves me with this pit in my stomach and a hole in my heart.

Do you think maybe next time you could just say hi?

Trust no one.

Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see.

God has a plan...

God has a plan....that statement should provide more comfort than it actually does at times. It should be 'enough' on days when you just feel like you are chasing the wind. We want to know how everything will play out but our feeble mind is no match for the plans that God has for our life.  It is easy to get discouraged with the struggles that I face. 

Today....today a memory was made that will be seared into my brain.  It gave me hope. It encouraged me. It showed me that there are still good people out there.

On this day, 32 years ago my mom and dad got married.  They took each other for better or worse, in sickness and in health and let me tell you - they have lived that out....they have walked the walk...despite how things have changed since my dads stroke, their love for each other remains.  They have set a good example for those around.  Love is messy and scary and overwhelming and there is some happiness and joy in the mix as well. 

I have been reading a book titled, "How's Your Soul?" and my favorite chapter is about God and love.  Stick with me, this might be a bit to read but is worth it because I do see it in my parents. "Paul says that all the time and in every situation, love does these four things: bears, believes, hopes, and endures....The first term is bear. This letter was originally written in Greek, and the term translated bear is related to the Greek word for roof.....Figuratively, it has the idea of covering or keeping something confidential; it can also mean to put up with something. Paul was telling the Corinthian believers that love is a roof and a cover. It protects, shields, and conceals the weaknesses of others.....The second word is believe. Love believes all things. In other words, love looks for the best. It doesn't mean you don't see the worst; it just means that even in the middle of the worst time of someones life, you remember the best, celebrate the best, remind that person of the best, and believe the best......What does it mean that love always hopes? It means that love holds on to eventual development. Love recognizes that where we are is not where we will always be. We are on a journey. We are works in progress....Finally, love endures. To endure means you don't retaliate or reject. Love will be tested. Life isn't perfect and neither are we. No matter how strong the bonds or how passionate the commitments, the people we love will let us down at times. If we are motivated with God's love, there is no limit to what we can endure." (Judah Smith) 

I think that is a pretty thorough way of describing the love that my parents have for each other.  Today I decided to take my dad out to find something special for my mom.  Last year they spent their anniversary at Mayo Hospital. That had its own goodness, but nothing beats being home.  I went out this morning to a few different places in search of charms for my moms charm bracelet.  I found quite a selection at Kohl's and they were 65% off!  I told the lady behind the counter that I was kind of looking to see what they had and then I planned to bring my dad back up to the store later in the afternoon to pick out a charm for my mom since they are celebrating their anniversary today.  I explained that he had a major stroke a year ago and has a language disorder and that going out is difficult but that I wanted him to be able to pick something special out for my mom.  She said no problem.  I then went to pick my dad up.  He was having a difficult day.  We managed to get him up to eat some lunch but he didn't want to leave the house, he kept telling me, 'i have no money'...I asked, 'if you look in your wallet and have money will you go?'.....he just kept repeating that he had no money.  I got up and went to pick his wallet up, but before doing so I slid $25 into it.  You see, I help my neighbor out with some house work and just yesterday she gave me a little extra and told me Merry Christmas.  When I handed dad the wallet, he opened it and his eyes got big.  My brother and I convinced him to go pick a charm out.  We were off to Kohl's.  When we got there I recognized the same lady from earlier.  She said, 'hi sir, how can I help you'....my dad said, 'a charm?' she filled in the gap and directed him to the ones we had looked at this morning.  She took the charms out, let him look at them, she read them to him, took them off the packaging, she was so kind and patient with my dad.  During a time of year when people are having to work more hours and deal with more customers, I was amazed by how well she treated my dad.  He picked out a charm.  The original price was $60, they were marked down to $21.50...I thought to myself, 'perfect, $25 will cover it!'....then when she was ringing us up she asked if we had any coupons, and then she answered for me - well of course you do!  When it was all said and done, tax included, the total was $13.48.  I looked at her with tears in my eyes and said thank you for helping us make this day special for my mom.  I think it is amazing that the price of the charm ended up being half the amount of cash that we had to spend. I guess that is God at work showing us that he will make a way.  That employee gave me hope for this world, that there are still kind people.  She didn't have to treat us the way she did, she certainly didn't have to help us find a deal, I rarely tell people anything personal about me, certainly not some random person behind the jewelry counter.....I set out to help my dad do something nice and I feel like I received a blessing in the process.  "The blessings of God are never ends in themselves. The blessings of God are always a means to an end. And the end is blessing others. We are blessed to bless." (Mark Batterson) She sold us so much more than a charm for a bracelet, she passed along hope that I so desperately needed.  

The charm for my mom - so appropriate - had a heart on one side and the following inscription, "Always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think & twice as beautiful as you'd ever imagined."  He had four to choose from and this is the one he picked!

Oh what a year...

What makes you go back and reflect on the previous year?

Is it a certain date on the calendar?

Is it New Years Eve?

The end of the year?

The dawning of a new year?

A fresh start?

Is it when you move to a new town?

Start a new job?

  Is it your birthday?  

Is it the holidays?  

Is is the empty place in your heart of loved ones who have gone on before us?  

Is it a reminder on Facebook?  

Does it come in flashbacks?

Does it come at the sight of certain buildings?

Certain people?

 A specific time?

I think deeply and carefully about many different things that have happened, especially those of great significance or value. An important moment can be one loosely defined by either unpleasant memories or desirable moments. Some memories we approve of while others we view as inferior. Both hold their place in this journey called life that we are traveling on. Every experience holds some kind of value and creates memories that become seared into our brains.

Today is November 21, 2016

There are a few famous birthdays on the 21st.

It is World Television Day.

It is World Hello Day.

To you it may just be another day.

To me it is a day that changed my life.

This day causes me to reflect back on the past year.

It  marks one year since my dad had a stroke.  

A severe ischemic stroke that would leave roughly half of his brain damaged.

A stroke that would threaten to take my dad from this earth.

A stroke that doctors said would leave him severely paralyzed on the entire right side.

A stroke that doctors said would leave him without words for at least a year.

A stroke that would take his ability to walk.

A stroke that would take his ability to talk.

A stroke that would take his ability to read.

A stroke that would take his ability to write.

A stroke that would take his ability to swallow.

A stroke that would cause the pressure in his brain to rise to dangerous levels.

A stroke that would take part of his skull out.

A stroke that warned us of a blood clot in his arm.

A stroke that would bring on many therapy sessions.

A stroke that would take his independence away.

A stroke that would take his hope.

A stroke that would bring new people into our lives.

A stroke that would show us who was there for us when we needed them.

A stroke that brought out the kindness in others, be it texts, phone calls, thanksgiving dinner in the ICU waiting room, cookies at Christmas time to Brooks,  snacks during surgeries, prayers, prayers and more prayers.

A stroke that would land us in a rehabilitation hospital for 21 days.

A stroke that changed how we celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas of 2015.

A stroke that changed the way we viewed the world.

A stroke that left us all a little more fearful.

 A stroke that left us all very grateful.

A stroke that left us sad.

A stroke that brought on many questions and tears.

A stroke that brought confusion and frustration.

A stroke that made us question God's plan.

A stroke that caused us all to research ways we could help.

A stroke that would bring another invisible challenge into our lives - Aphasia.

A stroke that didn't leave much hope for a happy ending.

A stroke that brought epilepsy and hospitalizations for seizures.

A stroke that didn't follow the typical recovery.

A stroke that provided hope and encouragement to strangers.

A stroke that brought us all closer together as a family.

A stroke that showed us kids what true love looks like.

A stroke that made us slow down.

A stroke that made us look around and find the good when we feared the worst.

A stroke that made us see things more clearly despite the cloudy days.

A stroke that made us listen with our hearts to what our ears could not hear.

It was never really about the stroke, but about the man who overcame the stroke.  The man who defied all odds, the man who started saying words less than a month after the stroke that would render him without words for 'a year' (so doctors said), a man who walks when all doctors hoped was that he would learn how to transfer between a wheelchair and bed.....it is also about the family that stood behind him....that refuses to give up, that loves without limits and beyond the frustrations of life. 

A man who has defied all odds because of a God who loves impossible odds.

God is bigger and more powerful than any problem we face in this world.

"God is in the business of strategically positioning us in the right place at the right time.  But the right place often seems like the wrong place, and the right times often feels like the wrong time." Mark Batterson

 My keyboard has become slick from the tears that have fallen on to it while typing this blog, and thinking about the moments behind the words above.  Grab some tissue and watch the video below....it starts the night of November 21, 2015....and brings you up to today....

The Blessings of Unity

The Blessings of Unity

Written By: Richard T. Case

God's Best for Our Marriages

Book Overview:

Many movements in today's society have combined to create an atmosphere that at best teaches married couples very little about how to find happiness together, and at worst threatens to destroy the sanctity with which God intends his children to approach that union. Self-centeredness and misinformation have led many away from walking in the Spirit and loving their spouses in Christlike ways, disqualifying them from the blessings that God has in store for his unified children. The Blessings of Unity offers insight and ideas for creating godly unity in our marriages centered around two key concepts:

1) Abiding in the Vine and walking in the Spirit, and
2) Learning and applying the concept of unity.

Unity is achieved when a man and woman strive for agreement with God by processing His Will on every decision and in every issue. Through Biblically-centered discussions of discord, division, unity, discipleship, and prayer, and through exploring Biblical examples of unity, Richard Case offers husbands and wives practical and spiritual advice for working together in unity in the Spirit so that they can more perfectly present themselves to God for his divine approval.

My Thoughts:

I enjoyed reading through this book.  One thing that I enjoyed about it was the amount of scripture that it included. I also enjoyed the fact that it is written by a man but yet it didn't take on that perspective. It was broken down by content.  This would be a great book for a husband and wife to work through together, but would be perfect to work on individually as well.  It starts with an evaluation for the husband and wife.  Some chapters define what should be, by assessing what the opposite would be.  For instance, "...to understand God's vision of unity we must first look at it's opposite, division and discord." This was a great in depth look at unity. He covered everything from the keys to unity to how to handle disagreements to praying through unity and finally biblical examples of unity.  It was a good read, chock-full of scripture. I would recommend this book.

"Disclosure (in accordance with the FTC's 16 CFR, Part 255: " Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising"): Many thanks to Propeller Consulting, LLC for providing this book.  These opinions are 100% my own and not influenced by monetary compensation. I did receive a sample of the product in exchange for this review and post. "