Another hurdle?

August 27th, well technically August 28th landed us back in the Emergency Room at Mayo Clinic. Just before 2:30 a.m my mom was awoken by her entire bed shaking.  Her first thought was it was my dad rocking himself back and forth to get up and go to the bathroom.  After a series of questions, she determined he was having another seizure.  It has been almost 2 months to the date since his last seizure. 

Around 2:35 a.m I woke up to go to the bathroom. I thought I saw red flashing lights coming through the windows in the living room. Half asleep, I thought maybe I was just dreaming, I went to the bathroom and then went and looked out the front door.  And perhaps the one thing you never want to see is the ambulance and fire truck parked outside your parents house. I woke Dennis up and told him the ambulance was at my parents house and I would be back. When I walked out the front door I saw somebody on the stretcher and they were pushing him through the front door. By the time they reached the end of the ramp and loaded him into the back of the ambulance, I was walking in the front door.  The paramedics might have thought I was a lunatic or something, running down the sidewalk and then peering into the back of the ambulance to see if it was mom or dad.  I walked in, they filled me in, my brother and mom went in one vehicle and my sister and I went in another, and like old times, we f-l-e-w to Mayo Hospital.  We arrived before he did.  

I started pacing outside the hospital waiting to see when the ambulance arrived.

They said that mom could go back and see him.  She was back there for what felt like a really long time.  The Emergency Room at Mayo Clinic was pretty empty at 3 a.m. on a Sunday morning. We couldn't people watch. We couldn't imagine what others were there for. Thank God for my brother and sister and our ability to keep each other distracted while we waited for those automatic doors to open and some update on my dad.

Eventually they did. 3:48 a.m to be exact. The message was simple, 'one of you can come back and try to talk to him, we need to get him alert, he is still having seizures.' Vanessa went first, she returned and told me to go try.  I walked in and said, "Hey Dad, what are you doing here? You should be in bed sleeping." His eyes started to open.  The nurse was happy and told us to keep talking to him and keep reminding him to breathe, They were concerned because his heart rate was still rather elevated and his respiration was low. 

"Hey Dad I need to see your eyes.  Show me you are ok."

"Dad I need you to take a deep breath. Please keep breathing for me."

"Breath in. Breath out."

"Dad, you have done more before 5 a.m than some people do all day!" (I got a little smirk)

This is something he used to say on days he would go cut three yards and be to work by 10 in the morning, he would always joke about doing more before noon than some people do all day.

Mom started singing songs with him.  

And just like when I was little, they were singing "You Are My Sunshine"  

The nurse was so grateful that we kept talking to him and that we were able to keep him more alert. His heart rate lowered, the seizures stopped... mom went to get my brother. Finally we could all be with him.  He was alert.  He was answering questions. He was bouncing back a lot faster than he ever has. He bounced back so quick this time, they didn't have to admit him!

A good scare, showed us all that our heart is still working. Brought perspectives back into focus. Today he was singing "You Are My Sunshine" and I must say it sounds a lot better than when he was singing it at 4 in the morning.  Stay tuned for another blog with that video...

We aren't guaranteed anything in this life.

Share pain.

Share joy.

Share love.

Share hope.

Share happiness.

Share a good laugh.

Share time. 

Live. Love. Forgive. Hope. Pray. Encourage. Reach out. Care.

Me Too

Me Too 

Experience the God Who Understands

Written By: Jon Weece

 
 Book Overview:

Your life is filled with pressure and pain and heartache and disappointment. So was His.

If you’ve ever tried to pick up the shattered pieces of your life and put them back together again without help, you know it’s an impossible task. When you lose your job, when divorce divides your family, when a loved one commits suicide, or when cancer claims a friend, it’s easy to lose perspective and abandon hope.

According to Jon Weece, Christianity does not require you to smile through your pain, much less praise God for tormenting you. God doesn’t enjoy your suffering. But he does understand it—and he knows exactly how to fix it.

That’s what Me Too is all about: A God who turned the ugliness of the cross into a spectacle of eternal beauty. An all-powerful Lord who will do the same with the pain of this world. An eternal Father who specializes in wiping away tears and putting you back together again. If you’ll allow him.

My Thoughts:

There are so many words floating around today. In most cases we relate to one another with our words.  I have learned of the significance of two simple words, but when put together have a powerful meaning.  The two words are, me and too.  When somebody connects with us by using those words, sometimes it can feel like they are throwing us a rope, something to hold on to and hope with, a guide so we know where to go.  Other times it can seem those words act as a life preserver, keeping us alive - literally and figuratively as we seek out help. This book was difficult for me to get into, but I stayed the course, and boy am I glad that I did.  He touched on a lot of struggles that we face in this life.  The chapter on suicide stood out the most to me.  I liked how he addressed many different perspectives, ultimately keying in on how many times it comes about because of untreated mental illness and depression. I would like to share a quote from the chapter that stuck with me, "Suicidal thoughts might provide the greatest "me too" opportunity for us to love people where they are and as they are. God wants us to lighten people's emotional loads: "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ" (Gal. 6:2) Shared joy is double joy, but shared pain is half pain." There is so much I underlined in this book and quotes that I shared with others. I would recommend this book, it is a relatively easy read in that it can be picked up and read randomly, any chapter, or in order.  There are some deep, thought provoking sections, but some light and humorous spots as well.  It won't go too far from my desk, as some parts of it I would like to revisit soon.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookLook Bloggers <http://booklookbloggers.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Return to Joy

Return To Joy

Finding Healing in the Arms of Your Savior

Written By: Bev Desalvo

Overview:

Pain. Abuse. Neglect. Abandonment. These issues lie just under the surface of our lives. So we stuff the ache, paste on a smile, and make the forced march to church on Sunday. Bev DeSalvo has been there. A child of abuse, the wife of a pastor, and a women's ministry leader, she saw no way out of her anguish. But God invited her on a journey. And her life has never been the same. Return to Joy includes a 10-week Bible Study.

My Thoughts:

Wow! I don't know where to begin. I started reading this book and couldn't put it down.  It grabbed my attention and held it, all through the 200+ pages and once complete left me thinking, 'that's it?'  I wasn't ready for it to end.  I will be going back to re read this book for sure.  This book doubled as a bible study as well.  At the end of each chapter were questions for reflection. A lot of questions, all separated so that if you wanted to use them for daily reflections you could.  There were a lot of scripture references. This book was easy to relate to, even if you haven't experienced the same trials she has, we all need healing from time to time. I know a few people who would benefit from this book and I will be passing it along to them to read. This was a very deep book, full of many points of reflection. One quote that stood out to me, "If we aren't broken by the love of God, we cannot become vulnerable and love others from our hearts. We can't truly love without being wounded and hurt by someone. We cannot allow God's love to flow through us as long as we have our protective walls in place."  Being somebody who isolates and builds those walls mighty high, this initially felt like a sharp jab to the chest that left me feeling winded, but then also challenged me to be more aware of it and reach out to others instead of adding more bricks to the top of the wall.  I feel like I highlighted or underlined the entire book and wrote my own book in answering the questions as the bible study. I highly recommend this book to anybody who is hurting or confused and is trying to, "Return To Joy." This book made me feel like joy is possible, regardless of the struggles you have faced.

Tyndale House Publishers has provided me with a complimentary copy of this book.

My little authors!

T minus three days until school starts....and it has me feeling SO SAD.  I love having my boys home with me.  I dread the thought of them returning to school and not being able to hang out with them and go on adventures during the day.  This summer we did a lot of fun things, some of them in our own backyard and some a little farther away.  At the beginning of summer I asked the boys if they wanted to make a book of what we do over summer. With no delay, Seth eagerly said "YES!" Ivan wasn't so sure but once we got started, he had fun cutting and gluing pictures and drawing pictures. Today Dennis took all their pages to work and when he returned home he did so with their 'book'....he bound all the pages and added a clear cover.  They were so excited and so proud of their accomplishment!  I spent some time tonight looking through each book, wiping a few tears from my eyes, laughing as I remember Ivan's commentary on some of his pictures, running my hand over their handprints that we did on the last page of the book just this morning.  The "About the Author" page is what concluded there book, had their name and age and birthday and favorite color and the year and their hand print with the follow - "I've finished my summer book, high five!" So their scrap books might not be up to date, the laundry is unfinished and there are some dishes in the sink.......but the boys have something to reflect on as they grow.  I don't think they will remember the mound of clean, unfolded clothes or the dishes in the sink.....but they might remember the work and the memories that went into making their own book! I am so proud of them and love them with all that I am. These boys are the air I breathe, and while I will miss them during the days, I have all the holidays and school breaks to look forward to. 

I Still Matter

One day somebody sent me this electronic flyer....

It sounded interesting.  

It caught my attention.

I enjoy artsy kind of stuff, I enjoy being creative and holding a finished product that looks beautiful, despite how I feel on the inside.  The fact that I can create something apart from the darkness that sometimes lingers within and above and all around me, is truly amazing! Although, it doesn't always feel amazing because when I don't see much good in me, it is hard for me to see anything I create as good, but then a few days later I look back and my husband often hears me say, 'hey this sketch isn't so bad.'  I am definitely my own worst critic.

I over think.  Should I go? What if I don't know what to do?  Usually when I create something, I get my idea from somewhere else.  What if I can't do what they are doing in this art group?  What if I totally miss the idea?  What if I get really nervous?  What if...all the fear and anxiety and doubt flooded my thoughts.  So I decided to go check out the website. I read about who they are and what they do and how to get involved. I read blog posts they shared and I left the website feeling a little more at ease than when I entered. I thought to myself if this group is any kind of reflection of this website, and this website made me feel more at ease, then maybe I should give it a try. 

"I Still Matter supports mental and emotional health through art and creative expression." 

This seemed to be like something I really needed to check out.  I sent an email to the email address on the website with a lot of questions and was pleasantly surprised by a prompt, personal reply.  I was nervous about going to the group and my worries became less as the founder offered to connect with me sometime before group for coffee and even offered to sit with me during the group if that would help me to not feel as nervous.  Her reaching out to me, during a moment when I didn't feel like there was much good in me, really meant a lot.  I made up my mind.  I was going.  I would like to say all the nervous energy just drained away and the doubts disappeared and I felt confident going forward but this one little fact remained --- this was way out of my comfort zone.  How does that saying go?  "Recovery is scary but so is remaining exactly the same." 

  

As the day approached I felt a mix of anticipation and curiosity and doubt and anxiety and sadness and fear and I kept thinking, what am I doing?  Some little voice in my head kept telling me it wasn't the place for me, I wouldn't fit in, would they understand, would they get it, would they think I was standoffish if I didn't have much to say, would they think I was rude, maybe I just shouldn't go.....all those thoughts....are so draining.

The clock ticked on and I found myself going through the motions of getting ready but still not entirely sure I could do this. 

Once I got there, I went in and took a seat.  I was greeted and welcomed to the group.  They seemed genuinely happy that I was there. I felt included.  I listened as they talked during our art project, and realized some of the things they were saying were the way I always think.  Could it be?  Could I have found a place where I don't feel so alone?  Could I have found a place where I feel like I belong?  

The art project was "Breakdowns and Breakthroughs." We were reminded, "with every break down there is some kind of breakthrough." I must say I am somebody who LOVES when simple things take on deeper meanings.  The activity involved water color paints, salt, tissue paper, white crayons, rubbing alcohol, and paper. We were each given a sheet of paper and instructed to make 8 squares. We were told that water colors are not an easy medium to work with, much like life.  In the first square we were told to pick a color and fill it in with paint and then we were given salt and told to sprinkle the salt on that square and let it sit...that represents our daily routine.  In the next square we covered with a color of paint and then took a piece of tissue paper and kind of made patterns in that square as we sort of blotted the square of paint....that represents our emotional struggles. In the next square we once again chose a color and painted the square, this time we took a q tip and dipped it in rubbing alcohol and touched the square we had painted...this represented interpersonal relationships. The next square we used a white crayon to make lines and shapes and then colored over it with the paint....this represented the invisible connections. The next box we kind of made splatter marks with one color and allowed that to dry and then put another color over the top of it....this represented the layers of our self, our mental health and what we choose to show others. The next square was splatter style painting....this represented our daily thoughts and frustrations. The final two squares were covered in paint and then with a dry brush with a little bit of water we made water drops....because when it rains it pours!  Each box represented some kind of breakdown and related it to some aspect of our daily lives. As my paint brush filled with each of the different colors and spread out across the page, I felt my doubts and fears and anxious thoughts disperse as well. I could take a deep breathe. My finished squares looked like this: 

And then she said, "now lets rip it up."  I sat there staring at the page, thinking well I kind of like what all this represents and I don't really know how I could tear it and still keep it in order and remember what it all meant....for me just having to tear that paper felt like a major breakdown, literally and figuratively.  I couldn't wrap my head around it nor did I want to physically break this paper down. I was once again reminded that with every break down there is some kind of breakthrough. Ok, if I have to tear it I guess I can try to stay on the lines and not 'ruin' any one square.  So typical for how I am, even when I feel like I am breaking down in life, I still want it to be my way, under my control. So with 8 squares we were then given shape cutters and told to pick a star or a heart or a diamond or a circle and cut shapes out of our squares. With the shapes we made cards and inside the card we were told to write some kind of positive affirmation and then put it up at home where we would see it every day. Or we were told how nice it would be to mail somebody a card.  Yes, I said mail!  When was the last time you received something other than junk mail when you walked out to the mailbox?  I have yet to find a positive affirmation to put inside it.  I chose to stick with hearts and stars, and now that I am writing this blog I think my positive affirmation for inside the card is going to be, "I Still Matter." This is what my card looked like:

Here is another view, with different lighting!

What a powerful, visual representation of how the breakdowns of life, while they are not fun to live through, they aren't for nothing. As confusing as the process of a breakdown can be, there can also be beauty found in who it helps us become. I would have never thought that my torn up pieces of paper could create a card that is so bright and happy and pretty...much like I can't imagine how the shards of my broken spirit could ever produce light or that any good could come from my mental collapse.  This project offered me hope during a time when that very feeling, feels like it is fading away.  

If you are living with a mental illness or have friends or loved ones who are, then I would definitely suggest marking August 16th on your calendar, and checking out this community art group. 

Reflections

I thought about reactivating my facebook account.  I miss the daily reminder of what happened 'on this day' so many years ago.  It shows me how much I forget but it also helps me to remember. Thinking about that made me think about an afternoon last week when my dad was discouraged.  We pulled up my blog and showed him videos of when he could not even move his right toes, much less walk or dress himself or go to the bathroom on his own, when he couldn't swallow, when part of his skull was missing, when he stood for the first time, spoke for the first time, etc. I think sometimes people don't realize the magnitude of just how much his stroke has changed our lives. There were many people praying for him and for that I am grateful, but every day life as we knew it 8 months ago is so different now. I am grateful that he is still here but there is also a degree of grief as we mourn what we have lost from the stroke.  I think some of us are just coming to terms with this concept. Even my dad is mourning what he has lost from this stroke. This "miracle" has left him unable to live normally. While it has affected all of our lives, we can see the miracle from the outside a lot more than he can feel it from the inside. Some days are better than others, that is everybodys fate I suppose. It was nice to provide encouragement to my dad.  It left me thinking about how neat it would be to have somebody record different times of my life and then later when I am discouraged, they could give me a link to a time when I couldn't do then what I am doing now. There is no highlight reel in life.  People often put the best face out there but underneath it all they are dealing with a task or situation that tests their abilities. 

I guess these pictures attempt to paint an outward display of what it looks like when you look back over a more trying time of your life.  In the first picture he was watching as he just started to move his toes, and only with a lot of concentration.  The second picture is him looking back at a picture from shortly after a piece of his skull was removed, but because of the amount of swelling you wouldn't even know it was missing. 

We had a family cook out on Saturday July 2nd .  Grandma and Pop didn't want to be on the road on the fourth of July.  We ate, we talked, we sang. Singing comes easier for my dad.  After watching the video of him singing on Saturday I decided to pull up the video of him singing back in December.  I couldn't believe how much his voice has improved and how much of the right side of his face has come back. 

This is my dad singing back in December. 

    

Here is a video of my dad singing on July 2.  You can see how much more he can move the right side of his face and you can hear how his voice has come back. He sings the same song from above, just a little later in the following video.

With My Eyes Wide Open

With My Eyes Wide Open

Written By Brian "Head" Welch 

Book Overview:

He left KoRn to help himself. He went back to help others. And along the way, he nearly lost everything.

A life-changing spiritual awakening freed Brian “Head” Welch from a stranglehold of drugs and alcohol and prompted him to leave the highly successful nu-metal band KoRn in 2005. What followed was a decade-long trial by fire, from the perils of fathering a teen lost in depression and self-mutilation to the harsh realities of playing solo and surviving the shattering betrayal of a trusted friend. In this intensely inspiring redemption saga, perhaps most inspiring is Brian’s radical decision to rejoin KoRn and reconcile with the tribe of people he once considered family in the metal music scene.

Brian returned to his musical roots with a clear head and a devoted heart. Though his story is wild, hilarious, and deeply poignant, the message is simple: God will love you into the freedom of being yourself, as long as you keep the relationship going and never, ever quit.

My Thoughts:

I enjoy reading.  I really enjoy reading that gives me the opportunity to step into somebody elses shoes and try to look at life from their perspective. I didn't really know much about the band KoЯn prior to requesting this book.  I was intrigued by part of the overview that talked about his struggles with a teen lost in depression.  Being somebody who struggles with depression, I was curious.  I enjoyed reading the book.  Brian "Head" Welch from the band KoЯn has had his own run with depression.  I like how this book clearly shows us that nobody is immune from making mistakes but that everybody can find forgiveness.  Brian had his fair share of difficulty, some from the choices he made, and some from the devil trying to get him off track.  I know the book was mostly about Brian and its his comeback story, personally I am wondering if his daughter Jennea has any plans on writing a book.  That is one I would definitely want to read.  Jennea ended up going to a girls boarding school for a time while she became more self confident and stronger as she fought back against depression.  I would love to hear more of her story.  I like how the book ended, more like a to be continued because really Brian just brought us up to where he was as of publishing it.  I like that it included a letter from Jennea at the end of the book.  I would recommend this book to somebody who likes to get an inside picture of people they look up to or to somebody who is a die hard KoЯn fan. Ultimately it is a story of redemption, for the individual and for the band.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookLook Bloggers <http://booklookbloggers.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

All Things Bright and Beautiful

All Things Bright and Beautiful

Written By Cecil Frances Alexander

Illustrated By Katy Hudson

Book Overview: 

All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful,
The Lord God made them all. 
First published by Cecil Frances Alexander in 1848, this favorite hymn has become a mainstay of churches and Sunday school classes everywhere. Here artist Katy Hudson brings new joy to the words with her fresh and bright watercolor style. Readers can join in the fun as they follow two little girls and their brother on a day filled with the discovery of all things bright and beautiful.

My Thoughts:

I enjoyed reading this book with my boys.  One of my boys is 9 and one of them is 5.  While my boys enjoyed it, I do feel that it would be a book geared more towards younger children. In the past I have volunteered in a Sunday school class setting with two year olds.  This book would be great for that kind of setting. I think it would hold their attention because of the bright colors and the children all throughout the story are young.  It would be great for naming animals as well. I like the message that this book conveys.  A simple, yet profound reminder that we can find God's touch everywhere we look, including the people who grace our path. 

"Disclosure of Material Connection: I received one of the products mentioned above for free in hope that I would mention it on my blog, thanks to FlyBy Promotions. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."