Just be held....

Today was another busy day.  They all seem that way.  I guess the nurses at Mayo were not joking when they said Brooks was like the Boot camp of rehab! I enjoyed helping my dad at his therapy sessions. Today was a lot more hands on with physical therapy.  They have him walking with just one person assisting him, yesterday it was two and also without using the cane.  They put an ace bandage around his foot to keep it held at a 90° angle so that it doesn't drag.  Today he would kick his foot forward in a walking pattern. During therapy children from a local school came to sing some Christmas songs.  They were from Seacoast Charter Academy and it was so nice to see them singing and see the patients watching them so closely.  One of the students made a point of looking at the patients and saying Merry Christmas - it was so sweet.  It's just singing a song.  But it just reminded me that in our everyday life we can see all the Christmas festivities and hear Christmas music and go to Christmas performances.  For the people who are here, they don't get all those experiences during this time.  

 The singing provided a short break, but then it was back up to practice walking.  This is the therapist having him walk without the assistance of a second person or a cane. He walked beside my dad and would tell him to kick his foot and look up, but as they started to go the therapist moved a little bit away from him so that my dad was having to put his weight on his right leg.  The therapist said the one thing he likes about my dad is that he comes in here for his physical therapy sessions and he works and he works hard the entire time he is in  here.  His physical therapist has been giving him extra time because of how hard he works and because he feels he will be up and walking in no time.  The second picture there is when they had him stand up beside the bed and they wanted him to lift his left leg and put it up on the bed with his knee bent, which would force all the weight on his right leg and then with all the weight on the right leg the therapist basically pulls him up and down by bending at his right knee.  This is a strength building exercise but extremely difficult.  So in that picture the therapist has his right knee held so that it doesn't buckle.  The therapist aide is holding his right arm and shoulder back.  They then asked him to pick up his left leg.  I mean can you imagine that - they are basically saying stand on this weak, unstable leg, and we are going to take the strong one out from under you.  I mean I see the benefit of the strength building exercise but I imagine it is terrifying to my dad.  So it took me getting down on the floor, holding his left hand while using my other arm to pick up his left leg and get it on the bed.  And he is strong.  And he is a fighter.  And he didn't want me moving that left leg.  BUT....we got it up, we got him to then stand up straight and tall.  I am glad that my aunt Pam was there during this and snapped a picture.  I do a lot to help out, in any way I can while he is in his therapy sessions but prior to this picture had no picture as to what that looked like.....

My dad also had music therapy today.  It was fascinating to watch but also sad.  Seeing my dad know what he wants to say but unable to get it out and getting upset, breaks my heart.  He kept saying "I can't" with her.  Now I am not trying to sound judgemental or harsh and I don't have a degree in whatever it takes to be a music therapist but I really think if she would have slowed down, taking into consideration that the processing might take a little more time then maybe he wouldn't have been as frustrated.  But then again maybe I am just partial to my dad being upset. 

Every day is progress.  Every day is doing something that he couldn't do the prior day.  Every day brings with it new challenges and frustrations.  Every day brings accomplishments beyond the doctors expectations.  

"In the midst of suffering, God makes some of his most profound and precious self-revelations. Perhaps he does so because only then are we ready to hear them." Randy Alcorn 

This song....totally speaks to our hearts during this time....

 Oh and my husband solved the Rubiks cube today!!!

Giving back...

Oh what a day!  I love the story behind this stuff that my dad was working with.  During occupational therapy they start out by teaching my dad how to get dressed and wash his hands and brush his teeth and then he gets to go to the brain gym.  There is so much fun to be had in there!  It is also enlightening to my dad as he looks around and sees people who have a much longer road on recovery.  I was talking to the occupational therapist about finding things to help keep his mind busy in the afternoons when he has no therapy sessions and I was telling her about an idea I had that would require some nuts and bolts.  I told her how my dad was always tinkering around with stuff to fix outside and that he had added on to their house.  She said well lets try this, I bet he would enjoy it.  She pulled out a box of pvc pipes and connectors.  There was a round piece of wood that had a connector attached to it and then there was a book of templates of things that could be made with the pieces of pvc in the box.  My dad enjoyed picking up the different pieces and making sure both sides were the same.  It was something that was kind of familiar to him.  Then when she was done she said that there was a patient who had a stroke, near the same age as my dad who went through rehab in that same room and then after he got out he actually made this and brought it back to them so they could use it with other people who had a stroke.  How cool is that?  My dad was using something today that was inspired and made by somebody who sat where he sat at one point.  I thought that was pretty neat. Everybody can give back in one way or another.

He got done with that and needed a snack.  All that brain power left him feeling hungry, or else he just really wanted some of grandmas vegetable beef soup.  He chowed down on that and had some ice before heading to physical therapy.

He got quite a work out in physical therapy.  He practiced sitting and standing.  He walked with assistance.  He actually moves his right left now on command.  He is stepping forward with it.  Yesterday he could not do that. While sitting they asked him to lift his leg up kind of like he was marching and he was able to do that, again something he could not do yesterday.  They put him on this bike where his arms and legs worked together, at five minutes in they said he could take a break but he kept going.  It was great to see that fighter side of my dad.  They took him up and down the stairs today too.  It was quite an intense workout.  At times I could see his body trembling but he didn't quit.  He kept giving it his all.  He is so inspiring. He won't give up. 

When I left to go get Ivan I told my dad if he ate all his lunch I would bring him back a milkshake. The chocolate milkshake the other day really hit the spot for him.  He can not have straws due to concerns with swallowing but he never really was a fan of straws anyways. I poured some into a smaller cup for him to drink, he pushed the smaller cup aside and tried to take the bigger one. I put the smaller one back in his hand and he started drinking it and seemed to really enjoy it. Whether he ate his lunch because I said that or because he was hungry, I still would have brought him back a milkshake!  I am just happy that he is eating.  When I looked down into the cup look at what I found.  A heart.  I found a heart while taking care of somebody I love!  

"Give to us grace, O Father, not to pass by suffering or joy without eyes to see; give us understanding and sympathy; and guard us from selfishness that we may enter into the joys and sufferings of others; use us to gladden and strengthen those who are weak and suffering; that by our lives we may help others who believe and serve you, and project your light which is the light of life." H.R. L. Sheppard 

I love my dad so much!

Wow...

On December 2, 2015 I posted a video of my dads toes moving.  In the video you could hear what I would do with my dad every morning that I was in the hospital with him, point to his toes, move each toe and tell him that they all still worked.  With a lot of concentration he could make those toes move. But it was just his toes.  And this was something the doctors didn't think he would do for quite some time.  We were happy that his toes were moving.  In case you missed that video - this was from 12 days ago. 

This is video that I took from today. He has been moving this foot prior to today. In not even two weeks time, look at the improvement from the video above and this video.  He is not only moving his right foot up and down, he is also talking as he does it.  And they said it would probably be a year before he said a few words and quite some time to walk....its only been 24 days.  Turn the volume up and you will hear him speaking!

During occupational therapy today he was able to brush his teeth, actually brush them.  Prior to today, even just comparing it to last Friday he would chew on the brush.  Today he was rotating from one side to the other and using that brushing motion.  His occupational therapist was very pleased, and so was I.  Did you brush your teeth this morning?  Did you think twice about doing it?  We take so much for granted.  The next part of occupational therapy took us to the gym - they strapped his arm to a board with wheels and he practiced pushing and pulling his right arm.  There was slight movement. He would look at his arm and say push, and I would encourage him and tell him to keep telling that arm what he wanted it to do.  Then his therapist started moving his arm and she asked him if it was hurting and he said yes and then she said are you in pain and he said yes, since his yes's and no's have not been consistent I asked him does this feel good....to which he replied no.  The therapist gave him a break and then asked me if I wanted to do the exercise with him.  I wasn't sure I could do it but I was willing to try.  So I held his arm and we rotated it out and up and back, to keep the shoulder lubricated. While I was doing it she asked him if it hurting and he said no and then asked if he was in pain and he said no and then asked if it felt good and he said yes.  Then she said do you just like when your daughter helps you to which he said yes.  This probably made my day.

After occupational therapy it was right on to physical therapy.  He definitely got a workout today.  He went almost a mile and a half on the bike, he was on it for 10 minutes.  And the motor only worked for just under 2 minutes of the total time.  

After that they took him to stairs where they were working with teaching him how to shift his weight and he went up and down a flight of stairs.  

After that they hooked him up to a zero gravity walker. There is a track in the ceiling and they put a harness on my dad so that he doesn't have to worry with leaning on anybody or anything. They then would push his right leg along as he moved with his left. They were happy with his balance, he was able to stand on his own while they put the harness on him.  His physical therapist feels that he is young and strong and can be pushed more!  He even got an extra physical therapy session this afternoon so that he could continue to practice his balance and start walking.  The therapist said that this afternoon he was actually pushing off and trying to step forward with his right leg.  This was pretty incredible to see.  I have a short video of him using this.

This afternoon my grandparents came and he got his face shaved again! When grandma walked in and said hi and said I love you, he responded with I love you too.  He didn't have to be prompted and responded beautifully!  When I walked in this morning he said 'hi'....its so good to hear him using that voice.  Vaughn and Vanessa were with him for music therapy which I hear he responded well to and was singing silver bells, he even started singing it in the room when he got back.  Rebecca and Uriah stopped by to say hi as well. Also in between my brother and sister leaving and my grandparents getting there I asked him if he remembered Mrs. Mary from church, he shook his head yes and I proceeded to share with him the bible verse Isaiah 41:13 "For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear, I will help you." She shared that on our facebook page last night and followed it up with a reminder that He has my dads right hand and a reminder that He is not finished with my dad.  He shook his head like he understood everything I was saying.

Another day is done.  I look forward to tomorrow, and walking with my dad every step of the way.  I love my dad so much!  I am so proud of all that he has accomplished!

"Sometimes God delivers us from suffering, and other times he sustains us through suffering. Sometimes God calms the storm, and sometimes he calms the heart." Randy Alcorn

The weekend....

I didn't spend the morning with my dad on Friday.  My mom took the day off so that she could see what his days were like.  She spent the entire day with him.  I made plans with Vanessa to make sushi.  I had a taste for her sushi. What I find kind of interesting is that according to facebook, two years ago around this same time I had posted on her facebook that I had a taste for her sushi. Maybe its a seasonal thing. We still went up to see dad just before heading out to pick Seth up. He had already had quite a bit of therapy and it was only 2 in the afternoon. 

Saturday I slept in.  I don't know what it is but for some reason I sleep really good from 7 in the morning until about ten. The boys are usually up by 6:30 regardless of what day it is. Dennis tends to them and lets me rest.  We made some breakfast and then headed up to see dad.  He was sitting up, had already had some physical therapy and my grandparents had already come. My grandpa shaved for him again.  He has always felt better without all the facial hair. When we got there Mr and Mrs. Hathaway were visiting.  They are my parents neighbors and my dad always says that Mr. Hathaway is the mayor of Forest Blvd and that if you wanted to know what is going on, he is the neighbor to talk to.  Dad always said between Mr. Hathaway and me and him we have the best neighborhood watch! It was nice that they came up to see my dad.  I look forward to the day that we go outside to look for him and find him sitting across the street talking to Mr. Hathaway again!

After they left it was about time for my dads lunch group. When mom and dad went to that we went to pick up some lunch for my mom and a milkshake for my dad.  We got back in time for her to eat and him to have a sweet treat before it was time for physical therapy. I loved watching my husband help my dad with his chocolate milkshake and loved how he took care of him. My grandfather said something this week that really stopped me in my tracks and make me appreciate even more what my husband does. He told me that he was happy that I was a stay at home mom and able to be there for my dad during the days and how different it would be if I wasn't a stay at home mom.  For that I have my husband to thank.  He puts up with a lot of crap at work and he doesn't really like working there but he keeps working hard for us.  I am grateful for that. I am grateful for him. He also topped off the fluids in my dads truck that Vanessa has been driving.  I think it is kind of neat how we all find a way to help each other during this time. My mom thinks so many people are picking up her loose ends, when really we all have just found our own way to help out. 

 During physical therapy he had another long time friend come to visit.  He always had a lot of respect for Mr. Haynes. My dad played softball on the church team for a number of years. They were there for some of his physical therapy and also walked with us out to the healing gardens.  Sometimes my dad looks so discouraged.  It is heart breaking.  He has already come so far, and I know that there will be more progress. 

Sunday we had a slow start to the day.  I made my dad some Hershey's chocolate pudding and had heated up some leftover beef stew that I made last night to take to my dad.  He has not had much of an appetite and hasn't been eating much.  He has been drinking an Ensure with every meal but any solid foods he just would turn down.  When we got there today he was just getting back from his lunch group.  When I showed him the beef stew he took the spoon to eat some! He said carrot when I put a carrot on the spoon.  He didn't eat much of the meat but he did eat the carrots and potatoes.  I have been told this is the first food he has eaten since being at Brooks.  He also ate some of the pudding.  We went for a walk down to the recreational therapy room and watched the boys play Foosball and air hockey.  After that we went for a walk back out to the healing gardens, only this time the boys had brought some golf clubs and plastic golf balls.  My dad was following the ball but seemed very discouraged when it came to trying to hit the ball. 

When we got back up to his room my mom was working with him and the exercises he can practice when he is not in therapy.  It is amazing to see how much more movement there is in his right leg.  To think that for, I think my mom said, 9 days his leg did not move at all.  Then when we got it moving, It was us showing him that his toes still moved and we would get movement in his toes.  Today he can move his foot up and down similar to pushing the gas pedal. You can also see the muscles in his leg working.  It is amazing.  To see this and remember the doctor who said he would probably never walk again.  In this picture his using his left arm to lift his right arm. Even doing that is sending signals to his brain that his right arm is still there.  There were a few times today I saw the muscles in his upper arm trying to work to move his arm.  I am confident he will get use back of his right side. He also greeted each of us today by saying, "hi" followed by our name. 

Looking forward to hanging out with my dad tomorrow and witnessing just how amazing our God is as I accompany him to his therapy sessions. I was encouraged by this today - and since I am writing these blogs for my dad to read at a later date, I am including it.  At times my dad is very sad and very discouraged.  They tell us that is 'normal' after a stroke, but it breaks my heart. From Randy Alcorn's, "If God is Good"---"In your moment of crisis, when you are suffering most, he cares about you in particular.  The Shepherd goes after the one lamb who's most in need. Sometimes God intervenes by removing our suffering.  Often he comforts us in our suffering. We are quick to say that God is good when the test results are negative or we survive an accident, but even if we are faced with great trials and suffering, God is still good."

"God is good even when we can't see it."

I love my dad so much!

Standing tall!

This week has been a tough week, every day I have had to put on the game face and be encouraging even though it didn't really seem like it made much of a difference.  This morning my dad gave me just what I needed! When I got there he had just finished speech therapy and occupational therapy came in.  She helped him get dressed and then invited us back in as he washed his hands and brushed his teeth.  He had already been to a breakfast group for occupational therapy as well.  From there the occupational therapist took him to the 3rd floor gym.  She was given approval from his doctor for electrode therapy.  She explained it to us that with these two plastic plates and kind of like a bar in the palm of his hand, there were electrodes throughout that would stimulate his muscles - to show my dad that his hand still works, and that it is just a matter of the brain getting the signal to the hand. They even used this to pick up things and practice using that right arm.  It was so amazing to watch.  It was also very encouraging - his arm and the muscles in his arm still work - its just a matter of his brain rerouting the signal and completing the circuit to make his hand work.  That was very hopeful.  He was a little frustrated with it, probably because it was not in his control, but I hope that as he reflects on his dad that provides some encouragement just knowing that it is still working. Since he was in the gym he moved right into physical therapy. They put him near the bars and had him stand.  He stood up so tall, held his head high, his shoulders were back.  That was so good to see.  She then guided his foot and they talked the length of the bars in the gym, which wasn't really too long.  She decided to take him out to the hallway and have him hold on to the railing in the hallway and that way he could walk further.  He stood up, the therapist was sitting on a chair with wheels and guiding his right foot as he moved his left food.  You could see the muscle flexing in his right leg. I stood behind the therapist, face to face with my dad, telling him I was so proud of him, that it was so good to see him standing.  About 20 steps and we clapped.  I am so proud of my dad. 

 After he would walk they would have him sit down and then push him back to the starting line, rest for a few minutes and do it again.  He did this at least 5 times in about a thirty minute period. I still am so amazed and so incredibly proud of him.  After physical therapy he had a break for two hours, during which time my grandfather shaved his face for him and he had lunch all before starting the afternoon rounds of therapy. It was neat to watch my grandfather shave him, my dad just looked like he was totally enjoying it, he hadn't been shaved in over a week and he has never liked facial hair. You can definitely see a fathers love in how my grandfather took care of my dad.  Sometimes parts of this recovery seem so backwards - me celebrating my dads 'firsts'....my grandfather shaving my fathers face...but its so unique and special.  My dad would do anything for us, and now is our time to show him that we will do anything for him. 

                    

 He seemed a little discouraged with speech therapy this afternoon, but we are assured that it is one of the last things to come back completely, and very difficult.  He had such a busy morning, I am guessing he had to be exhausted.  He got a shower today, first time he has been able to get in a shower shower since probably the night before his stroke which was twenty days ago. So he got his face shaved, he walked, his right arm was stimulated, he moved his right ankle for the physical therapist and he got a shower - busy day!   He also had some visitors, a softball buddy who used to carry me around on his shoulders.  He recognized him and reached out for him.  And also Pastor Tom stopped by to see him.  I can definitely say that his spirits were lifted after these people came.  Sometimes I think we think that family has an obligation to stick by us, when a friend shows up - its different and its encouraging and its good.  My dad was very attentive to everything these two had to say, and appropriately answered all of Pastor Tom's questions, which makes me realize that sometimes with speech therapy he just plain has had enough.  It was encouraging to see.

 I am so incredibly proud of all that he has accomplished today.  My dad always used to tell me that he was proud of me, I don't think I ever fully grasped that.  There are no words for how proud I am of my dad.  He is overcoming the odds.  He is a fighter. I love my dad so much.

Dad's new adventure...

Today was the first day of my dads new adventure.  He was moved last night to Brooks and today began his new schedule.  It seemed to wear him out. These pictures will be great for my before and after picture project! You can really tell where the swelling is going down in his brain and I never realized how much your skull shapes your head, nor did I realize how much swelling my dads brain had.  They keep him pretty busy, occupational, physical and speech therapy twice a day.  This evening we spent some time in the recreational therapy gym and he seemed to watch intently as they played a game of pool.  Seth said this place is more fun than the last hospital that Grandpa was at.  He has really been good about giving my dad high fives and talking with him.  Tonight he told me, "Grandpa is doing better, he will be better soon."  I told him that it might not be soon, and before I could say anything he said, "Well we aren't giving up on him."  My sweet boy has learned what I hope they both hold in their heart and use as they grow on in life - never give up on those you love!  My dad spent the day adjusting to his new routine.  I hope his spirits are lifted and that fighter, determined spirit comes back!  I know he will over come this, doesn't it say somewhere that we need only to believe?! Sometimes afflictions come from the hand of God and its not our place to pray them away, but use them to create within us a greater Christlikeness and dependence on God. In as much as I wish this never happened, I have already seen some good come of it.  I have seen relationships strengthened and some mended.  I have learned who is there for me.  I have been reminded about how strong I am.  I have a greater appreciation for so many 'little' things that make the big things possible. And perhaps the most intriguing thing I have learned is about a compassion that is within me to really see people through their difficult times and get back to living.  My dad has had many different therapists at the hospital the past few weeks, who commented on how well I was doing with my dad.  One of the neurosurgeons who was checking on my dad daily, said I was doing a good job and should consider a job in the therapy field.  Then today, the doctor who will be seeing him while he is at Brooks actually asked me what I do, because he was convinced I was somehow involved in this field, after he saw what I was doing with my dad.  I have struggled to find my 'purpose' in life.  There are a few things I am good at but nothing really held my attention for long.  I have a lot of compassion for others and feel so good when I can help people, but never really felt 'passionate' about any one profession unless you count motherhood - my boys will always be my world!  I have been thinking about what it would take to be an occupational therapist, something I was not considering - nor would I have seen others mentioning it as a possibility - if it hadn't been for my dad having a stroke.  I know God will use all this for good, but right now it is hard! I did hear that he was moved to a different room tonight, with his own refrigerator and one of the nurses brought him a fan.  He always slept with a fan blowing in his face at home!

 Mom giving dad a pep talk.

 Playing pool in the recreational therapy gym.

 Dad seemed to be watching what everybody was doing.

 My brother helping Seth win the game!

I love my dad!

Happy Anniversary!

"We have a bed available at Brooks in a private room."  The best anniversary gift this year!  I love my mom and dad.  They set such an example of what true love looks like....in all circumstances.  I have seen them argue and make up.  I have seen them smile and cry.  I have seen them build each other up.  I have seen them support each other.  I have watched as my dad worked a full time job and cut yards so that my mom could stay home with us as we were growing up.  I watched my dad support my mom as she went back to school to finish her education and become a teacher.  I watched my dad be overcome by years and year of fighting anxiety and depression on his own.  I watched my mom continue to believe in him and encourage him even when he pushed her away.  The longer I live the more I see that while they might not always like what the other person has to face, while they might not understand the struggles they are having to endure, they love each through anything and everything.  Today is my parents 31st wedding anniversary.  And I am happy to report that my dad was moved to Brooks.  I am happy for the move.  I hope that he is encouraged by the progress he will make at Brooks.  I also hope that my mom is encouraged. I can't wait for him to be home.  

 When they were giving him his morning bath and getting him cleaned up and ready to leave the hospital I went for a walk.  I didn't realize how fast I walk or how far I can walk in a short amount of time.  They said it would take about 20 minutes so I made my way out to this nice little courtyard of sorts, where I found this guy catching some rays....he was literally only about 10 feet away from me and I thought that was so awesome!

When I went in this morning I asked him if he wanted to sit up, if he wanted me to order him some breakfast, he shook his head no to everything I asked him.  Then I asked him if he was sad and he shook his head yes.  Then I asked him if he was scared and he shook his head yes.  He started crying.  I told him that it was ok to feel sad and feel scared, that we all feel scared right now.  But I followed that up by telling him that I will not give up on him, mom will not give up on him, Vanessa will not give up on him, Rebecca will not give up on him, Vaughn will not give up on him.......it was a long list but we went through a lot of names of people who wouldn't give up on him.  As he settled down I noticed I was teary eyed and a tear fell and hit his arm and he looked at it....his right arm....if he had no feeling in that arm he would not have turned to look at it when my tear hit it.  So we both stopped and looked and I said, "see its all coming back!"   I never would have thought that I would be drying my dads tears and telling him that how he was feeling was ok.  That seems like something a parent would say to a child.  I felt honored to have the opportunity to comfort my dad. We dried our tears and practiced some writing, and I brought along some toys of the boys. He was intrigued by the car. 

With today being their anniversary, my dad was always so good about picking out the perfect card for mom.  So I went down to the gift shop and bought a few cards that could apply for an anniversary.  Then I took them up to my dad and read each one of them to him, he chose the card with the butterflies and got teary eyed when I was reading this one.  He always would say that the best thing he ever did was marry my mom.....and I believe this card ends with something along those lines.  I helped him get the pen in his hand and he signed his name, I put it in the envelope and he licked it and shut it, all on his own - he is trying so hard to be independent.  There might have been some of his new favorite orange cranberry smoothie on the envelope - but that was just fine!  He held the card and then I told him when my mom came in to give her the card so he proceeded to open it and it was almost like he was trying to read it to her. 

Oh, also the paramedics that were called to transport him to Brooks tonight, well it was one of the people that came to the house on the morning of November 21st right after the stroke happened....and she was surprised that he was doing this well, she told my mom and dad that she didn't think he would make it to the hospital, she remembered it being 'really bad.'  What are the chances that she be one of the paramedics that show up to transport him tonight?  I hope my dad holds on to those words and is inspired by the fact that things were really bad.  While things seem really bad now, and the road ahead will be tough, he is 'medically stable.'...which is truly a miracle! 

I can't even begin to imagine what must be going through his mind.  Fear. Uncertainty. Doubt. He is so strong.  He is so brave.  He is a fighter.  He will overcome this.  We will be there to hold him up and cheer him on.  I love my dad!

The mind....

The mind is a powerful thing.  When ones brain has been affected in any way, it can be very frustrating.  It is frustrating for the person who has experienced the brain damage or brain stun because they can't communicate what they are thinking or feeling and they can't make their body do what they want it to.  They have to rely on others for pretty much everything.  The frustration of seeing your leg but not being able to use it is something that I have very limited understanding of.  I have had orthopedic surgeries that left me unable to use my leg for a little while but it still had feeling.  To see your arm and leg but not fully feel it or be able to use it is something that I can't begin to comprehend.  My dad is frustrated.  He hates that other people are having to help him.  He wants to go home.  He wants to walk.  He wants to be independent.  But at this time he isn't able.  But God is Able.  I have to keep believing that there is a purpose for this pain.  As frustrating as it is for the person suffering, its a different kind of frustrating to the people who stand beside those who have suffered some kind of brain injury. We don't know what he is thinking.  We don't know what he wants.  We don't know if he understands everything we are saying.  We don't know if he understands anything we are saying.  The simple every day tasks that we take for granted, now require intense concentration.  His brain is having to re route a lot of signals.  And yet every day there is new progress.  A toe that moves, a muscle that flexes, all proof that it is coming back, that he is coming back.  The frustration on both sides leaves us sitting in the middle with a heart that aches.  We want to know how he is feeling and what he is thinking but we have no way to hear it and we want him to know we aren't going anywhere and that it hurts when he ignores us and pushes us away, but he is afraid we will leave him.  I know he is only testing us to see if we will stick with him....but do you think maybe he could test us when he hasn't just had a stroke?  or maybe when our emotions aren't so sensitive?  or maybe when we have had a good day?  I mean we need to be mentally prepared for this kind of test!  Today he worked on brushing his teeth with occupational therapy.  While helping her she asked me what I did before being a stay at home mom and was convinced that I had worked in the therapy field.  I told her I was thinking about it and she told me I should definitely pursue it.  Maybe that will be something good that comes from this, I will have a purpose for my life.  After occupational therapy then physical therapy came in and again I was reminded how much we take for granted.  While sitting my dad was asked to move his body forward until his nose touched the therapists hands, all while keeping his balance in a sitting position.  Can you do that?  Just sit where you are, hold out your finger about a foot away from your nose and and move your head until it touches your hand.  That sounds easy, but to somebody who has suffered a stroke, re routing all those commands is difficult....but he did it!  

He gave us a little scare this afternoon when he tried to get up out of the chair on his own.  After somebody suggested asking about going outside, I figured it couldn't hurt and asked his nurse.  He was granted "sunshine privileges." I was hoping that getting some fresh air, getting out of the hospital room would help lift his spirits. I'm not sure what he thought about being outside.  I don't know if it was a lot for him to take in.  Was he confused?  Did he know where he was?  Was he happy to be out of the hospital room?  Was he scared?  Did he think he was going home?  We didn't get any kind of response with regards to his time out doors.  

Today was tough.  I won't give up on my dad.  As I got ready to leave I picked up his right arm - therapist said we need to use that right arm to send signals to the brain that it is still there - and I told him that he would get through this and that I would be back in the morning.  And then I turned to my mom and patted her on the back and told her that she would get through this and that I would see her in the morning.  Some days are hard.  Some days are sad.  Some days you see how much life has changed at the same time you are grateful just to be alive, even if you don't understand how or why.

I love my dad so much.  My dad is a fighter. I love my mom so much.  My mom is a fighter. We will all get through this together, it's who we are!