Hold on....

I'm confused.

I don't get it.

Life just doesn't seem fair.

We live in a backwards world.

I'm sad.

I'm angry.

Why?

Why do good people have to endure such difficult paths?

I would give anything to rewind the clock one year and one month and then freeze it.  Live 13 months ago as if we were trapped in that groundhogs day movie where the guy wakes up to live the same day over and over again....I hate how my dads stroke has drastically changed life as we know it.  I miss him.  I love him and I am grateful that he is still here, but I also struggle with change and its been hard for me when thinking about the finality of chapters of our life.  When Sears closed it was like an in my face reminder that things will NEVER be how they were, and that stings sometimes. I knew then it was not possible to ever go back to how things were. I would give anything to take all this from him.  He has endured so much and none of this seems fair. What is God's purpose in this? 

  Around 3:45 this afternoon, an anxious feeling took over me.  I couldn't sit still, I kept telling my husband that something bad was happening.  I just didn't know what.  He told me to take my shoes off and relax. Then I heard a siren and asked him if hearing that made him feel worried, he replied with, "No, it is just a siren.  Take your shoes off and relax."  Then the siren got closer, I went and looked out the front door and remember saying, "No, just keep going."  They stopped at my parents house.  I put on some flip flops and sprinted down there....was on the floor with him talking to him while paramedics did there thing and waited for an ambulance. It's no way you ever want to see one of your parents. It's odd how the way I was feeling coincided with what was about to happen. This afternoon my dad collapsed in the bathroom.  My brother and uncle heard the thud and went running.  It seems he had a seizure, possibly hit his head on the way down.

Walking into the ER and seeing him so still and so out of it - it is scary. 

Last time he was having seizures he stayed in an ER room and was able to go home in 8 or 9 hours.  This time he was admitted to the hospital.  The ER guy was telling us how to get to the main hospital, we politely told him we could handle it, we are a little too familiar with this place. My dad didn't seem to be bouncing back as quick as he did last time.  It seems every time he has had these they have been slightly different, and never short lived.  Usually takes some heavy medications to get him to stop seizing.  His blood pressure and pulse were a little off when we left tonight.  He was all hooked up to the EEG to monitor brain activity and also on oxygen. They say he shouldn't be having these seizure with the amount of meds he is on to help prevent them.

He wasn't awake when we left tonight.  

He wasn't responding to us when we talked to him...but he is still alive.  

Good night dad, hoping with some rest you will wake up recharged and ready to get home and back to 'normal'....whatever that is?!?!?

"Hold on, if you feel like letting go....hold on, it gets better than you know..."