"Hope"

I am on a quest this week to get back to some kind of schedule or routine.  I have not really been following my routine lately and it is greatly impacting my mental mindset.  As hard as it is some days to push through and get up and go, it is more difficult to not push through and deal with the spiral of negative thinking as a result of my inability to be still and be at peace at the same time.  So this week, after two weeks of doing minimal activity I decided to plan something for every day and stick to it.  Monday I walked with a friend from Bible study, Tuesday I walked with a friend from Bible study and had lunch with a friend from Bible study, Wednesday I am going to go visit my horse friend, who belongs to a friend from Bible study and Thursday I should probably go to bible study.  Its interesting to me how these people have become a part of my life, how there are connections to be found if you just look.  Each friendship is unique and different.  Today I walked with a friend who faces similar struggles as I do.  It is hard for me to think that anybody would want to spend time with me when there are days that I would do anything just to get away from me.  Some days the only way things get done is knowing that somebody else is counting on me  - to show up, to be there.  We took 7017 steps today as we talked about everything from our kids to church.  It was a nice way to start the day.

Pioneers of Television PBS - Robin Williams Remembered

Where do I begin?  I've heard people talk about 'triggers' before, while I believe they are real, watching this show tonight made me feel how real they are. I still cry at the thought of knowing that Robin Williams lived with a terminal illness that ultimately cost him his life, and yet very few knew of the darkness that he battled. Maybe it hits a nerve in me because I know what it feels like to battle that darkness on the inside and yet carry on doing whatever I can on the outside to make people happy. While this illness effects everybody differently, there are glaring similarities at the center of the struggle. Robin Williams is described as a 'gentle, caring soul' who would 'go out of his way to bring comfort and happiness to others,'  and all the while he couldn't find that comfort and happiness that he passed on to everybody else.

Mad Scientist Day 2015

Today is Mad Scientist Day at Crown Point Elementary, where my Seth attends third grade!  I can't believe he is in third grade!  He has been letting his hair grow instead of keeping it cut short so that he could spike his hair up for today!  Ivan's class was dressing up in costumes and doing a little parade around the school.  I got to watch his class say the Pledge of Allegiance and sing the National Anthem before getting a group picture and individual pictures.  It was a great way to start the day -- pictures of Seth as a Mad Scientist and then pictures of Ivan and his class. Ivan dressed up as a dinosaur for his class. This dinosaur costume is a 3T size but he insisted on wearing it for one more year! I love the picture of my mom with the boys this morning!

heart connections...

My husband and I are reading Randy Alcorn's book, "If God is Good."  Tonight what we read dealt with suffering and disabilities.  Since there is no way to paraphrase the line that stood out to me, I am sharing it with you word for word; "It seems odd, but usually our greatest trial is what most molds and shapes us. It gives us character, backbone, courage, wisdom, discernment, and friendships that are not shallow,"  God uses difficult situations to fulfill his purpose. I can't help but think of clay at the potters hand, on the potters wheel....being molded and shaped into something beautiful even though it didn't start that way.  Not much difference to us and the difficult situations that we face. The molding part of the trials certainly do not feel good.  Most times it leaves us feeling, tired, weak, less confident, sometimes makes us feel stupid, and we lose 'friends' who can't handle us at our worst....and yet for all the struggles we gain in every area that we feel weak.  What Satan intends for evil, God redeems for good.  The scars of life add character, the guts to push forward even though ever fiber of our being feels like dead weight gives us a backbone, it takes courage to get up and fight the same demons that leave us feeling so weak the night before, our ability to 'feel' a situation is out of this world and we gain some sort of sixth sense from the heightened senses.....and the friendships - the ones that develop while struggling to live, to fight an illness that makes you feel so weak, those friendships are far and few and the depth of them goes beyond what any words could adequately describe.   It is true that those friendships are far from shallow.  When you are faced with an illness that seemingly has a mind of its own, its difficult to wrap your head around, much less try to explain to a friend.  If you are fortunate you will meet somebody who struggles like you do or has struggled like you do, if you are fortunate you will meet somebody who 'gets it.' I think that is crucial to a healthy support structure that gives you that extra push to keep fighting when you feel like you have been knocked out one too many times.  I can honestly say that I have been blessed by somebody who has opened up their heart and not only shared it with me, but taken me in and showed me that there is still good in me, despite an illness.  While there are quite a few people in my life who could tell me this, somehow it means something different coming from somebody who has been where I am now.  My brain needs rest.......

My favorite porch....

Some days are better than others. Sometimes I just wish I could dig myself a hole somewhere and come out when there has been a fix-all, cure producing magic wand for those who suffer with mental illness. Why the darkness that is within?  I heard a song today and part of the lyrics were, 'the more you are broken the more the light shines through'....talking about the light of God.  I suppose there is truth in that especially considering that, 'when I am weak, then I am strong.'  Today was a dreary day, overcast with light rain most of the day.  I needed the sun today.

Memories......

Sometimes when I can't sleep, I sit and think.  Sometimes that can be dangerous.  Sometimes that can be good.  Depends on the day, err...night.  Sometimes people get stuck on my mind, can't stop thinking about them.  Tonight I was going through 238 GB worth of pictures and came across the Vacation Bible School pictures from 2012.  Among those pictures, were a few of Ms. Patty that made me smile.  It's weird sometimes to look at a picture of people interacting, (most of the pictures I take, I do so candidly) and yet the knowledge that one of those people is no longer with us makes the hurt ever present but it also feels surreal.  Like the end of the Sandlot movie when they fade away the players at the final game and tell you what they went on to do.  I wish there was some synopsis of what those who have gone on before us, went to do.  We are left with a mystery, we know they are in a better place, but what are they doing?

The Final Summit

This is humanity's last chance. Centuries of greed, pride, and hate have sent mankind hurtling toward disaster, and far from its original purpose. There is only one solution that can reset the compass and right the ship-and that answer is only two words.

With time running out, it is up to David Ponder and a cast of history's best and brightest minds to uncover this solution before it is too late. The catch? They are allowed only five tries to solve the ominous challenge.

My thoughts:

I recall hearing this name before and being curious about reading one of this books.  This seemed like the best opportunity to do so.  It is a fascinating book that pulls history into the mix.  Being that I am not a huge fan of history, this fact made this not one of my favorite books but still a good read.  I like how he uses history to tell his story with many great figures from history. 

Couples Who Pray

I enjoyed reading the book, Couples Who Pray. It was a powerful reminder of the scripture verse, Matthew 18:20, For where two or three are gathered together in my name, I am there among them. It seems easy to get lost in this world, everywhere you turn there is chaos and broken hearts. If more couples spent more time praying together, there would probably be less arguing. In this book they talk about how if a couple would commit to just praying for five minutes a day that they would see improvement in their relationships. They would see better communication, more respect, happiness and satisfaction, as well as more agreements and less tension. I would recommend this book.